“We are threatened by such a free God because it takes away all of our ability to control or engineer the process. It leaves us powerless, and changes the language from any language of performance or achievement to that of surrender, trust and vulnerability. That is the so called ‘wildness of God” –Richard Rohr
I think this quote really captures something key about how I’ve journeyed through our third adoption. The feeling of powerlessness was really central to last year. I wanted the baby girl to come so much, and for the rest of our life to be able to move forward. I felt pressure from Bob when this didn’t happen. But I couldn’t do anything about it. I finally had that experience in December where I embraced and put my trust in God’s goodness. I felt Him take up this desire as His own. I felt Him caution me to fixate my trust on Him alone, and not what I could do to make this happen nor on a birth mom. This was really important as our first 2 birth mom contacts fell through.
With J, I felt God’s grace, Him orchestrating everything. I met her 3 weeks before our baby was born, the same as with Nick. She picked us off the internet, and her youngest son has the same name as Bob. We agreed that she should choose Noel’s middle name, and it happened to be one of my top three choices. When I accompanied her to her OB appointment she told me her doctor had urged her to be sure to choose a good family. That doctor turned out to be one of Bob’s intern colleagues from his first residency. When I started the adoption I had made a few requests, not really expecting them to be granted. I wanted to see this baby on ultrasound, and to be there when she was born, something I didn’t get to experience with The Jade and Nick. J’s doctor did an ultrasound that day, even though it wasn’t really indicated. He also waived the one family member rule for her c-section so that I could be present for her birth. As we waited for March 2nd, peace and anxiety intertwined in tangled threads. She could change her mind. The birth dad was distant but unsupportive of adoption; would he cause trouble at the last moment? Would the delivery go ok? Yet I had that feeling that it will go forward because it is meant to be. I can’t mess this up. I was there when Noel’s beautiful scrunched up face emerged, when they pulled her screaming from the belly. As they carried her from the OR I felt a voice in my heart: “I did this for you”. I felt touched, known, deeply understood, like something I had lost a long time ago was given back to me. Unremitted favor is more beautiful than traditional religion. When our righteousness is rewarded we are smug and satisfied. But when God works on His own time in His own way we are undone and dissolve into thankfulness. God’s wildness hurts us sometimes, and makes us angry. We may withdraw from Him awhile. But we never know where the next bend in our road is. Every child God has brought into our family has healed me a little more. We are recipients of mercy and even blessing. Blessing in one place because of the pain and loss in another. Three children in 4 1/2 years! God’s path goes against our grain; it bevels and even breaks us. But when we accept it and allow ourselves to be carried along, it takes us into another world.