50 signs that you have 3 children five and under

1. The ever present layer of petrified applesauce on the walls.

2. Your toilet paper is either stacked in messy coils or has a soggy bite taken out of it.

3. Something breaks every day.

4. Your formerly tenacious Bermuda grass has given up, and your backyard is now hard-packed dirt.

5. You have a 7 passenger vehicle that only seats 2 adults comfortably.

6. You buy 5 different types of disposable diapers.

7. Your garage is cluttered with 4 strollers, none of which fit everyone.

8. Naptime requires a vehicle, an iPhone, and a carefully timed bottle of milk.

9. Your Netflix movies are gathering dust.

10. Your bedtime ritual is so complicated you have to start right after dinner to have any hope.

11. You know who is most likely to awaken you at any hour of the night

12. You do a ton of laundry, but somehow it all fits nicely into a dresser and small closet.

13. Your house is wallpapered with preschool crafts.

14. Half finished pinterest projects

15. The words “I’m done” keep coming up in conversations with your husband.

16. You couldn’t give up caffeine for Lent

17. Your phone’s memory is full, but you can’t bring yourself to delete a picture.

18.Looking nice means adding earrings and mascara.

19. You think the American standard of personal hygiene is a luxury.

20. You have to ask if the cleaning lady came.

21. Your greatest fear when leaving on a trip is forgetting the blankies.

22. You don’t want to go on any more trips.

23. You have a timeout chair in every room.

24. You need a timeout chair more than they do.

25. If you can’t find your kids they’re probably hiding in the dryer.

26. Your once tidy coffee table is now buried under library books.

27. You would pay $100 for a nap.

28. You thank God every day you have a backyard.

29. You’re pretty sure your 2 year old could break the sound barrier with his scream.

30. You plan to visit your relatives for your anniversary so they can babysit while you escape for a few hours.

31. Your garage is full of half filled boxes of clothes in different sizes.

32. Friends don’t do coffee anymore, they do play dates.

33. You don’t have time for email or talking on the phone, but send runaway texts. Conversations with out of town friends must be carefully scheduled around naptime.

34. Your house smells like diapers.

35. You have glitter permanently affixed to your table. And you kind of like it.

36. If you agree to a pet, it will be a horseshoe crab or a fish.

37. You’re profoundly struck at random moments with the thought that these beautiful people are actually yours.

38. You can’t remember when you last changed the sheets. (Except in the case of the bedwetter)

39. You look forward to church for the hour of supervised childcare.

40. You realize you’re leaching off the system, and guiltily sign up for said childcare.

41. You can articulately debate both sides of the “Mommy Wars” issues.

42. You ignore your exhaustion and stay up, intoxicated by the sound of a quiet house and your own thoughts at last.

43. Your phone has half a dozen kids apps but no grown-up games.

44. You can’t find a pair of pants for your sons without holes in the knees.

45. You can justify the health benefits of biweekly baths.

46. No one ever stops you in a restaurant to tell you how welll-behaved your children are.

47. You have actually carried all of them at the same time before.

48. You have researched stock in applesauce.

49. You don’t have the energy to post about anything better than this.

50. You’re amazed at how happy you can be on so little sleep.

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